A Splintered Mind…Walking through life with ADHD/ODD

I often make light of life with my special needs son.  My nature is to always approach things with a sense of humor, but the brutal truth is there are frequent moments when there is no light. Moments of frustration, panic, exhaustion, shame, hopelessness, second guessing, fear, doubt, anger, despair, heartbreak.  There are daily difficulties, obstacles, struggles, problems, hurdles, tantrums, tears, turmoil, meltdowns.  My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD, combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive type, when he was in first grade. We wrestled through Kindergarten with daily behavior rewards/consequences and homework… oh homework. Five minutes of homework turned into thirty five minutes of agony- every night. Somehow, we managed to come out on the other side of Kindergarten in the first grade. The first week proved this was going to be one, very, long, hard year. My son couldn’t sit on his colored square during circle time, couldn’t wait his turn to be called on, was disruptive, didn’t listen, fidgeted, continuously throughout the day got up and down out of his seat, shouted out, sang out lyrics to a song, violated spatial boundaries, bothered classmates, and had a difficult time following through with tasks. Inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity are the key behaviors of ADHD. While it is normal for all children to be inattentive, hyperactive, or impulsive sometimes, for children with ADHD, these behaviors are more severe and occur more often. His teacher thought it might be helpful to talk with a psychologist or psychiatrist, and so we did, and thus received a diagnosis. I imagine there are many kids that are misdiagnosed, and there is a common belief that ADHD is a made-up or exaggerated condition.  ADHD, however, in its truest form, is life altering.  To complicate matters, ADHD is regularly accompanied by other conditions- called comorbidities, such as ODD, childhood anxiety or depression, OCD, Tourette’s, sleep disorders, and learning disorders.  

 Today, my son sits with the co-morbid diagnosis of ADHD, Severe Childhood Anxiety, Sleep Disorder, Mild OCD, an Audio Processing Learning Disorder, and the doozy- ODD.  (ODD is Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  Kids with this disorder are oppositional and defiant. They have no fear of authority or consequences, are disobedient, argumentative, non-compliant of rules and requests, and are often hostile.)  My son has poor impulse control which leads him to act inappropriately and lash out physically. He has difficulty reading social cues- facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. - and has trouble making/keeping friends. He loses his temper quickly and often. He is easily annoyed and frustrated by other people while he intentionally aggravates others. He is resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids.  He manipulates everything and everyone to be in control at all times. He blames everyone else for his difficulties and makes excuses for his inability to cope.  Of course, he doesn’t see his behavior as defiant; rather he believes that unreasonable demands are being placed on him. He has mood swings and impaired stress coping skills.  Today, we live with the stigma in many places that my son is a trouble-maker, spoiled, rotten, disrespectful, a poorly disciplined kid.  To the outside world, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a kid who is having a behavioral problem because of a brain based disorder like ADHD/ODD, or because he is being a brat. 

A day with a child who has ADHD/ODD is a series of battles in an undeclared war. A war in which there is no training and there is little tolerance and little acceptance. My son has been kicked out of athletic programs and after school programs, shunned by parents, and rejected by kids. Babysitters don’t come back, child care professionals have walked out, coaches have walked away, and teachers have given up.  The world sees the surface of my son- impulsive, defiant, mouthy, strident. Few can get past the surface to see the inside- protective, fiercely rooted in family, sensitive, loyal, persevering, keenly perceptive, acutely observant…my son who gives me and his siblings the best bear hugs known to mankind, my son who freely gives SO MUCH to others sometimes  without expecting anything in return that it takes my breath away, my son who’s witty sense of humor is beyond his years, my son who’s brilliantly talented with his hands that he can take anything apart and put it back together again by sight alone, my son who can recite the stats of his favorite football team and players, my son who feels more at home walking among adults than with kids, my son who has a worrisome mind and a sensitive heart.  My son, who is easy to love, but difficult to raise.    

It’s a strange moment when you realize you have a kid that irritates people. It’s a piercing reality when you see the look in people’s eyes, saying “This boy, he’s too much.” And for the Excessively Uptight, you see that they pretty much can’t stand being in the presence of your son.  Sometimes, they’re mean to him, and you want to break their faces with blunt objects, and grab your son and fold him up back into your belly, where the assholes don’t exist and he’s safe. 

We have been through trial and error with sports- baseball, soccer, basketball, Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics, and football.  While he is talented athletically, he doesn’t easily take instruction or comply with the coach’s demands, isn’t willing to perform drills, and is so over-the-top competitive that he uses the rules of the game as he sees fit.  My son has decided that “running sucks” and there is absolutely no reason and no situation whatsoever in which he would ever need to run.  We have been through trial and error with medication- dosages and side effects- and the journey continues as his metabolism changes and hormones fluctuate.  The great debate about whether or not to medicate is not a battle I chose to fight. I am not qualified to argue the merits of medication and children, but I am suited to say that for my family, for my son, I felt obligated, responsible, to utilize the resources available to him that would give him a fighting chance for success- academic success, social success, and overall life success. Medication is not a cure; it is an aid. My son recognizes that medication helps his “brain feel organized without so many splinters.” 

Life itself is trial and error.  Traditional parenting, whatever that is, doesn’t exist in a family where ADHD/ODD is present.  And the traditional right of passage of just being a carefree kid doesn’t exist for a child with ADHD/ODD/Anxiety Disorder.  As he gets older, flashes of despair emerge as he grapples with the gravity of his lonesomeness and not always fitting in. And for me, flashes of horror…I know all the statistics of depression and the suicide rate of these kids with brain based disorders and conduct disorders. I love him so much my heart breaks sometimes just looking at him, my son, because I can’t even fathom I could cherish anything as much as I do that boy.   

So, together, my son and I walk (definitely, not run) this long and windy road- him yearning to make sense of this world, which is often bewildering and bitter through his splintered eyes; and me, crusading, flexing, continually adapting to the day, the battle, the challenge at hand, determined to remove as many splinters (and assholes) as possible for him along the way.